We are heading HOME!!!!

So things are happening sooner than we thought.... We got told if we wanted to leave this weekend to go back home by the "lady" that we could.... Monday will be my last day of work and the new caretaker is starting then..... I'm so thankful and grateful to that for many reasons... I have been so sick of being treated like this, my nerves were starting to really unravel, Today I was told so many things, some in which only Wes knows, and I'M DONE!!!!! We are looking forward to spending Christmas in our own house... Spending all the time possible with my family and friends, and just getting a break from this hectic life we have been living..... Wes is at the point of going off, he is sick of seeing me being treated my someone so horrible and conniving to so many people..... It was so hard to tell anyone how she treated me cause i was afraid they would not believe me, but finally i feel I have people that don't just believe me, but that know the truth about her, and how she truly really is... May God bless and really be with the care taker that's taking my spot for she will really truly need it!! As for the plans for the weekend we are packing and moving. So get our stuff, get the animals , get the Christmas tree and us and Home is where we will celebrate.

Christmas Venting

Well Christmas is so fast approaching and it hardly seems like it at all... I know alot of it is from not being at my own house. Im just not in the Christmas spirit usually by now I have almost all my shopping done. wrapped and ready to go... This year so far I have about 10 people left to buy for. None of my wrapping done.. Heck i haven't bought wrapping paper yet.... and the weather..hmmmm lets talk about that... Its so hot hotside its even 81 inside without the AC on. AC?? why do we have to run the AC at Christmas?? I want a COLD white Christmas (without having to do lots of traveling to get it....) hahaha Maybe another year......

Were Coming Home!!

Well It's been a crazy week in our life (or few months should i say.) As yall know we have lived with a elderly lady for the past 2 months December makes 3(me being her caregiver.) We finally decided we have had enough, and we are both home sick. I have been treated like a slave, talked down apon about my cooking and cleaning skills. (which everyone knows that has ever been to my house its not dirty by any means) I have been told on many ocassions, "I don't know shit from Apple Butter." I was telling Wes for a while just how bad she treated me especially when he wasen't around... So he decided to just take a listen in with out her knowing he was home on many ocassions and he would hear just how bad she spoke to me and talked down on me, and needless to say he didn't like what he heard!!.... So at the beginning of December we decided enough was enough and were coming home..... The "lady" doesn't know yet. we have not said anything I guess try and keep the peace as long as possible. Her POA was told Monday that we can not take the stress anymore not to mention all the things that were promised to us, such as time off and etc has yet to happen..... We might get a few hours away alone a week and that is often including in going to the grocery store and when we do get away we have to hear the guilt all that day or the next day how awful she felt while we were gone and she thought she was dying. So needless to say this next month is going to be one heck of a month... Thank God Wes is off the last week in December.

A Hard Turning Point!!!

Well this is defiantly hard to write. I made the decision yesterday to stop my fertility treatment for now. That was a extremely hard decision to make. I can't handle what im doing to myself and to Wes, anything from depression to major mood swings. I had a appt to get my meds to make me ovulate yesterday morning, and something just came over me and I asked myself why? why are you doing this to yourself ?? In which that i still don't know..... I told the nurse at my doctors office I needed to work on me first. I have to get thru this bad depression im in. There is some days I would just like to crawl in a deep dark hole and not come out... I always blame me, for the condition I have thats causing us not to get pregnant. Im so sick of looking at so many with alot of kids some that do take care of them and many that could care less..... I know there has been so many before me that has experienced this similar situation, I would honestly like to know how they dealt with this. So for now I need to make a appointment with my primary doctor to see what he recommends, maybe medicine or something. I feel like im falling apart. I honestly feel like being a Mother is my purpose in life and if I can't have that, I don't want anything!!!! What do I do? How do i deal with this?? So for now I have to work on me, and we have to work on Us..... I just need to know where to start.

"Safe Haven for Newborns"

As I watched the news yesterday evening I seen that a baby was dropped off at the local fire station (less than a mile from my house) and I naturally got to thinking. I just can not fathom someone really doing that. I know the law was taken in affect for a good cause, its better than the baby being killed or live life always "unwanted," and I do know that eventually those babies will get good homes, but there is a huge process they must go through DCF placement and etc......the news stated that in the 7 years the program has been implemented this is the 87th case in the state of Florida alone... but this naturally makes me want to question God and ask ok Why do you give those people babies and not me??????

The Moral to the story.......

I called my fertility Doctor's office on Monday, to let them know i still had not gotten my Period (which is nothing new for me they usually have to give me Provera(Medroxyprogesterone)This medication has several uses. In women who are not pregnant and not going through menopause, this medication is used to treat abnormal bleeding from the uterus and to restore normal menstrual periods in women who have stopped having them for several months (amenorrhea).

So Monday i had to leave a message with his nurse to tell her I needed my medicine to start my period.... It wasn't but about 20 minutes and she called back and said they had to wait for the Doctor because he can only prescribe that. In the meantime i was praying i didn't have to go to Brandon because with like anyplace they have to do a pregnancy test just to verify your not pregnant before they can prescribe the provera. So Tuesday afternoon the nurse called me back again and said the doctor said if I can just take a home pregnancy test Wednesday morning and call them with my results they will prescribe it... which was a relief to me because i would not have to make the 3 hour round trip to his office. So this morning I got up took the test and of coarse as figured (due to lack of ovulation) it was negative. So I went ahead and did a few things around the house and before i could call them my phone rang and it was his nurse asking if i took the test i said yes, i was getting ready to call you... She said OK i will call it in right now. So here it is the whole moral to the story.... A) I know I'm not pregnant B) I just saved about $30 dollars in gas it would have took to travel. C) They did not have to do the test so I saved about $15 it would have cost me. and last but not least D) I have a great doctors office that truly cares for continuing to return my calls and following up with me.

What a Great Baseball Game!

Saturday I woke up early because, I had made some special plans, to see a very special boy play baseball. I have thought often about saturday since and I have told everyone that would listen just how awesome it was, so I thought I would try and share with a few more People. In Lake Wales they have 2 baseball teams for kids with disabilities and handicapps. Alot of great guys from Warner Southern college volunteer there saturday mornings to help. It wasen't just any ordinary baseball game. I seen so much joy and happiness out on that field it was awesome. Their rules are a little different. The kids/young adults, get to swing that bat as many times as it takes to hit the ball. No such things as foul balls (unless the batter up thought it was.) No one got out, they all got to make it to home plate. and to top it all off there was no loosers,they always have a tie score... How much better does it get, than that???? I have never seen a happier bunch of kids/young adults as well as proud parents and family in my life.

Constant Reminders

Like with any illness, or disability in life there are always constant reminders you have them. such as if you had a problem and could not walk. I'm sure you would think about it often when you see people walking fine and your not. I can't speak for anyone else, but myself. There are so many constant reminders EVERYDAY of the fact I don't have kids.... Shasta left a comment on a previous post and in that she said this is something your always reminded of, and boy is she right( she too experiences the difficulties of conceiving)..... There are always Baby shows on T.V. There are always friends Pregnant. Baby showers you often feel obligated to attend, and just babies in walmart can often put me in a crying spell. I often go in the baby dept of any store just to see all the cute stuff. I'm not sure why I agonize myself like that, but it's inevitable cause there will always be babies around somewhere.

On a happier note.... I'm looking forward to some good Pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.....hahaha

The Holidays are fast approaching!

WOW!!!

It's so hard to believe Thanksgiving is already almost here. Then Christmas will be here before we know it.... I look forward to it. I love the Holidays. (I even love all the shopping although i must admit I hate spending all the money, and of coarse every year Wes and I both say were not going to go all out and of coarse what would Christmas be without going all out???(you know that's my doing, Not Wes's) I do tend to shop alot when he's not with me and hide it. Then when its time for wrapping he freaks out...when did you buy that or why did you get them so much and so on and so on...haha Since we don't have kids I tend to spoil the nephews and my little sister.... I look forward the time with my family and friends. It seems the busier I am the less i think about everyday life. I do indeed have so much to be Thankful for!!

Empty

I really feel like a part of me is Empty inside... Like im missing something... How could I miss something I never had in the first place ??????

My Favorite Phrase these days...

So I have a new favorite Phrase that I find my self using alot these days... "Im over it" I'm over all the heartache, I'm over all the hormonal things I put not only myself through, but my family and Friends.(poor Wes) I'm over spending lots of money and not seeing any results... I know Rome wasen't built in a day, and I know Patience is something I'm going to have to learn. It just feels like although we have only been doing Fertility 6 months, We have been trying so much longer. Sometimes I do just want to give up, but the reality of it is I can't. We can't!! People always tell me, "well as soon as you stop trying you will get pregnant" but I won't. I don't even come close to ovulating on my own so therefore I would not get pregnant on my own.

About Me

I just wanted to give a little insight about me. I'm not sure who or even if anyone will read this. I needed to start some sort of journal before i go crazy.... :)

I have been happily Married to the love of my Life since March of 2oo1. Wes is the most passionate, caring person anyone could ever ask for.

My main reason for doing this blog is to share some of my heartaches that Wes and I both have shared for many years now.

We have been trying our whole marriage(and honestly even before then) from the beginning to conceive a child. Nothing yet. We can't imagine nothing more pleasant and rewarding as being parents. We did start seeing a fertility doctor in May which confirmed its my

PCOS

Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:
high levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
missed or irregular periods
many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

This has played a huge affect on our everyday lives. Its hard knowing its me that is preventing us from having a baby... I can't imagine not giving my Husband a child. I feel a lot of pressure on me. Wes has said a hundred times he will love me and support me no matter what the out come will be... Will I want that? Is that fair to him? Does he deserve this? I'm taking my days in strives. Living daily the best I can. Its extremely hard seeing most of my friends with there babies My Sister and Brothers with theirs, I know I'm not suppose to question God and I know I have no right too, but I do. I know he has a plan for us. I just can't imagine it being anything other than having a family. One way or another. I feel we can give sooo much love to a child. Whether we give birth naturally or not up most and for most we want to be parents.

3 months ago my wonderful doctor started me on Clomid (used to stimulate ovulation in women who may not be ovulating or may have a luteal phase defect) so far this is not working they are upping my dosage next month. When the doctors office called today to tell me it didn't make me ovulate again.. I cried I was really praying that i would at least react somehow to this.

Of coarse I didn't. Well the first person i naturally called was Wes i was crying when i was telling him what that doctor had said . He naturally calmed me down like he always does.

I just don't know what i would do without him and a few other of my GREAT friends that always listens and just lets me cry. I have plenty more to write, but I better get in bed for now.... :)